Overcommited in Marriage?

Did you know that you can be overcommitted in your marriage?

I received a call from my cousin Jane (Not real name) and she was sobbing profusely on the phone. I could barely hear her and had to calm her down before the conversation could proceed. Jane explained how things had taken a downward turn in her marriage. She stated being tired and burned out from taking responsibility for all the chores in the home while her husband continued to give her excuses. She expressed being irritable and angry at her children. She said “I just yell at everyone in the house, Rick (not real name) and I are constantly fighting. As I speak to you now, we haven’t spoken in the last two days and I’m so sick and tired of it.” Like Jane, many women find themselves in this cycle of defeat due to the same dynamic in their marriage. "There appears to be an imbalance in commitment to day-to-day activities and responsibilities in your home," I replied.

Overcommitting means taking on too many responsibilities and having an uneven workload that leads to stress, burnout, and lack of intimacy and fulfillment in your marriage. Jane was overcommitted by taking on too many responsibilities more than she could handle. When I asked her to tell me the things she was responsible for, it was almost an unending list of chores while she mentioned next to nothing that her husband did at home. The consequences of overcommitting include constant exhaustion, stress, feeling overwhelmed, feelings of despair, powerlessness, emotional disconnection, irritability, anger, constant fights with your spouse/partner, lack of intimacy, and burnout.

Here are a few tips to avoid overcommitting and have a healthier relationship with your spouse.

• Acknowledge that you cannot do it all by yourself - Being honest and truthful is the starting point in this process. A lot of women struggle in this regard. Saying “I got it” when you know that’s not what you want to do.

• Stop assuming your husband cannot handle certain chores - This is a misconception from role models, religious beliefs, cultural norms, and society. It is unhealthy for your relationship to assume that your spouse can no longer handle a task he once did as a bachelor or before you married.

• Communicate the support you need and when you need It - Your spouse is not a mind reader; even if it seems obvious, you must let him know when you are stressed and overwhelmed. You need to be clear about when you need his help and what you need help with.

• Leveraging - You are both different. He has strengths too. Allow your spouse to do things their way. Avoid controlling behavior. The things that are urgent to you might not be to him. Also, he might want to do it in a way that is different from yours. He may be willing to pay someone for a task that you expect him to do because he can do so. The goal is collaboration and not control.

• Handling Objections - Your spouse could say “No” to handling a particular task. Objections often lead to feelings of defeat or anger.

• In this instance, you want to take responsibility for the things you have control over and stop doing for him what he can do for himrself.

• Finally, seek help from a professional to address any situations that could be perpetuating this cycle.

If you would like to learn more about how to have a healthy marriage, contact Lola at TIL. Thank you. And happy marriage!